Dear city and county of Honolulu,
Using the bus has been a pleasant experience these past years. For as long as I was allowed to go out by myself, the bus has been my only way of transportation if I couldn't find a ride.The costumer service and the conditions of the bus were good for the most part. And most of the time I have never had any complaints or concerns about the bus.
However one summer day when I took a trip to Pearlridge mall, the bus came later than usual, and at first it wasn't a big deal until we started going from bus stop to bus stop and I noticed that the bus was starting to get overly crowded. Their so much people in the bus that the bus actually was moving slower than usual and started to stop and have malfunctions. The feeling of dread, heat, and being very aggravated grew as we got to each destination, and it felt that people were still coming on, and by the time we got to the mall it was almost three hours later and all of the same people got off at the same place. Also as I was coming home on the bus I experienced the same situation going back. By the end of that night my aspect on taking the bus has changed a lot. That had to be the worst experience I have ever had on the city bus.
As a concerned citizen I feel that some changes need to be made to the bus system. I feel that their needs to be more bus routes going to the more congested areas like the malls or into town. I also feel that their should be a limit of people going on the bus at a time. For a while I really enjoyed my trip on the bus but I've noticed that lately these problems have been more frequently happening and I now try to avoid using the bus as much as possible now after that experience.
If these changes are made I think that the over congestion and over crowding will no longer be a problem, and riding the bus would be a more enjoyable experience for not only the costumers but also for the drivers, because then both the customers and the driver will enjoy the ride. So then the riding experience and environment should be much more pleasant, and that way more people will actually want to ride the bus.
Thank You so much for your time. All I ask is that you take some of these concerns into consideration and start to make some changes.
Sincerly,
Marissa Smith
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Marissa, I really understand your concern about the bus drivers letting too much people on the bus, and it getting overcrowded. Your letter was good; you described your trip with a lot of detail and emotion. The part where you describe the ride “The feeling of dread, heat, and being very aggravated grew as we got to each destination, and it felt that people were still coming on, and by the time we got to the mall it was almost three hours later” and your concern with the overcrowding in the bus was very reasonable and you provided very good suggestions for your concerns which were providing more bus routes to popular destinations and the limit of people allowed onto the bus.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence “If these changes are made I think that the over congestion and over crowding will no longer be a problem, and riding the bus would be a more enjoyable experience for not only the costumers but also for the drivers, because then both the customers and the driver will enjoy the ride” I think its too long and it could be broken into two separate sentences. You could say “If these changes are made, I think that the over crowding will no longer be a problem, and riding the bus will be a more enjoyable experience. With these changes, both the riders and the drivers will be able to enjoy the ride.” Another sentence that should be changed is “Their so much people in the bus that the bus actually was moving slower than usual and started to stop and have malfunctions.” It should be “There were so many people in the bus that the bus was actually moving slower than usual, and it started to malfunction” Also you could describe what types of malfunctions were happening with the bus.
You should read over your letter and make the necessary changes. I hope I helped. Good job Marissa
Desha Garcia
Marissa,
ReplyDeleteYour had a very good idea for your letter, you supported it well. You shoed a lot of details and emotions such as "The feeling of dread, heat, and being very aggravated grew as we got to each destination, and it felt that people were still coming on, and by the time we got to the mall it was almost three hours later and all of the same people got off at the same place."
But there are some sentences that need to be fixed, such as "If these changes are made I think that the over congestion and over crowding will no longer be a problem, and riding the bus would be a more enjoyable experience for not only the costumers but also for the drivers, because then both the customers and the driver will enjoy the ride." Maybe you can do what Desha suggested and split it up into 2 sentences. And maybe to add more detail to your letter, you can add more about other experiences with the same problem or you can go more into detail about what kinds of changes should they make.
Oh, and read over check some grammatical and spelling errors.
Good job.
-Charina
Hi Marissa,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a valid complaint for your letter. However, you need to add more specifics and also acknowledge the reasons for the decrease in service for the letter to have more impact. (and your commentators should have pointed this out)
First, you need to be more specific than "one summer day." A business or organization will not take seriously any complaint that does not cite a specific date and, if possible, time.
Then, you need to do a bit of research (just search on the Advertiser or Star Bulletin websites) for the background on bus service. What would cause them to limit the number of buses? or what would make it difficult to add more buses into service?
This doesn't mean that you cannot make your point, it just shows that you acknowledge the problems but would still like to see service improve. And if you can make good suggestions for improving service without added expense to the company or to its passengers, that will give your letter even more impact.
mrs s
Thank you guys,
ReplyDeleteI made my revisons.
-Marissa S.